Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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