dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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