I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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