Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
