My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
