I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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