FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
