You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
