What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
