im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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