dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
