i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize