I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
worst night to have a conscience
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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