Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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