i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
