i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
