did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
