Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
