I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
