Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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