shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize