I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
