i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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