I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize