You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
