Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
worst night to have a conscience
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
