just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
