i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize