Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
