how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
