Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize