i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
