i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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