I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
