Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize