i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize