do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
