It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
