i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
