how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
