He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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