why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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