I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
