I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
