hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's blow job season.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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