bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
