I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
