Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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