if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
