I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize