ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
