Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
