Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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