You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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