kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize