I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
