Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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