he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
