why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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